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hey this is leo for actualize.org and in this video we're going to talk about healthy relationships all right let's talk about how to create healthy relationships what does it really take to be in a healthy relationship now i don't know how much experience you have with healthy relationships or relationships in general but if you have any relationship experience then you probably know that it's very easy for a relationship to go sour why is this it's very fascinating to me why this happens and at a very young age even though i didn't have a lot of relationships i've actually not been in that many relationships in my life but what i recognized is that it just made sense to me inherently that to have a relationship and to really have it work and to have it last for a long time or even even a reasonable even a year-long relationship i'm not even talking about longer but just even to last a year something has to happen something has to happen and it won't happen spontaneously it won't happen spontaneously because what you're doing is you've got one person who's doing his thing right in life and doing this and then you got this other person who's doing her own thing here in life her doing her thing and then what you're doing if you're creating a healthy relationship is that you're bringing those two together and almost think of it as a ballet as a choreographed ballet and you've got one dancer doing this spinning this way got another dancing spinning the opposite way you bring them close together and you want them to to perform as some sort of duo right do something interesting together so that it uh it it's it's collaborative it's it's like the greater than some of its parts you got to bring them together and now they have to interact and they have to stay in sync and now the longer the longer that ballet dance lasts what do you think the more opportunity there is for them to get out of sync right and to get them to even get into sync in the first place and start moving and mirroring each other in the right ways already requires that they understand each other at a certain level understand they have to have a certain level of development they just have to have a certain level of training so i think that most people this is what i i see people doing with relationships is that they kind of take the whole issue of relationships for granted both men and women and they feel like well a relationship is just something that happens naturally i don't need to really work out i don't really need to study it it'll just happen it'll come together i'm a guy she's a girl or whatever the situation may be and you know it's just going to happen nothing could be further from the truth if you think that that is how you're going to build a sustainable relationship something that's going to lead to something very long lasting like potentially a marriage no way in hell no way in hell that's why that's why more than half the world is divorced marriages don't work for this reason it's not that they can't work inherently it's because people don't study how to do it they don't understand the psychology of relationships they don't understand the psychology of attraction of love of sex of masculinity and femininity they don't understand any of that so they go in there they try to cobble something together and it fails it's kind of like if i was trying to fly to the moon do you think if i wanted to fly to the moon i would just go and cobble something together in my garage or would i spend some years learning aerospace engineering and i learning physics and learning the the way the planets move it orbits and all this stuff right yeah i would have to spend some time studying it because it's a complex thing that we're proposing here this is not something simple and i would say it's almost easier to fly to the moon than it is to hold some of your marriages together because because of the incompatibilities you have but basically because of the lack of understanding you guys have alright so let's talk about relationships what is a healthy relationship let's define that stephen covey in his amazing amazing classic seven habits of highly effective people he classifies three types of relationship he talks about the co-dependent relationship the independent relationship and the interdependent relationship so let's start with the codependent relationship this is the really unhealthy one and this is what most relationships are and i want you to be very careful here because you're very gonna likely say no that's not me no that doesn't apply to me no it probably applies to you codependency is not just abusive relationships and relationships that involve drugs and other you know criminal activities that's the worst of a co-dependent relationship a co-dependent relationship is what most marriages are it's what most girl guy relationships are so this is the key point here is that if you have an unhealthy relationship it's the codependent relationship type and it's probably what you've got what is a codependent relationship it's when the two parties lack something in each other and they come together because each one of them is lacking something and they see as the other one being their other half and completing each other you might say well that's how love is supposed to be no that's how love is portrayed in movies and in fairy tales and in other popular culture and it's the surest way to ensure that you have an unstable relationship a dysfunctional relationship a very emotionally painful relationship and a relationship that will ultimately fail so the problem here is that each person is needy in some way and they need the other person so badly that they come together and as soon as that other person starts to pull away or to take something away or they don't they do something the other person doesn't like then what you do is you get angry you get angry you get hurt you get upset you get fearful you get anxious and it creates a lot of emotional tension because ultimately you're looking for the other person to fulfill you and that's an impossibility a psychological impossibility nobody can fulfill you but yourself so if you go into a relationship thinking that the other person is a solution all your problems what you're doing is you're actually putting a band-aid over a deeper wound and ultimately that wound is gonna start to fester and it's gonna all that pus is gonna start to come out of that wound and it's gonna seep onto the other person and it's gonna taint everything it's going to destroy everything it's going to make you feel miserable it's going to make the other person feel miserable it's going to be bad for both parties that's codependent when the two need each other the second type of relationship is independent you've got one person who's doing his own thing you've got another person who's doing her own thing and they're totally independent and you could bring them together but they're doing their own things so they're so into each other or into themselves i should say rather that they're they're like they're not cooperating and they're not choreographing and so what happens is they just kind of like split apart and they're too independent they're thinking too much about themselves they're too selfish independence ultimately is good because the next step we're going to talk about is interdependence and interdependence is actually a form of independence it's where the two people are independent but then they start to do a little bit of collaboration right but the independent relationship is nice it's still much much better than the co-dependent one so if you have an independent relationship still better you can improve it though by moving it into an interdependent relationship this is where you really want to be at for something long term like a marriage interdependency this means you are independent the other person is totally independent you're happy by yourselves but you do enjoy each other's company and you appreciate certain things about each other and you can develop a love for each other but it's a non-needy love it's not attachment you're not using the other person as a an emotional crutch as a psychological crutch to fulfill you so what you do is you make some conscious choices that this is working and then you say okay we're going to start to actually like work with each other and we're gonna try to synergize and we're gonna try to improve each other we're gonna try to grow together and this is where that ballet choreography really starts to happen right really think about think about that that metaphor because if you got two ballet dancers ideally they're independent right they can both dance well together if you've got two dancers that can't dance for and you bring them together do you think that they're going to be able to dance well together no you got to have two dancers that can dance well by themselves and dancing well means living life well being happy by yourself when you bring them together then you got two master dancers together they practice together they train together they can come up with a routine now they can with the help of a choreographer they can you know make some moves they practice they fumble but eventually they get something that's that's nice that's seamless that's cohesive it's synergistic that's interdependence and that's ultimately what you want that's what a really really healthy relationship looks like so how do you actually get there that's the trick well i think the biggest thing you got to take away is that you got to work on yourself this isn't happening naturally right you don't you don't get born knowing how to ballet dance you don't get born knowing perfect choreography that's something you have to practice diligently for many hours you have to study the theory you have to practice it you have to fail a bunch of times and then you get it right so the same thing here so some of the practical things i'll give you guys some of the points you should be considering one is that you must come from a place of abundance that means abundance sexually if you have no options whether you're a girl you have no options or a guy and you have no options then you are not going to have a healthy relationship because you are so concerned you're so fearful of losing the other person because he or she is the only option and the only chance you'll have for love and happiness that you you're gonna be too clingy you're going to be too needy and when you're so clingy and so needy that's going to repel the other person away and it's going to cause many many problems and ultimately you're always going to be fearful because you're always going to see that if that other person leaves you're screwed and that's because you haven't taken care of the the scarcity problem that you have you have to come from a place of abundance that means make yourself attractive have a social circle be going out to bars and clubs so that if you lose the person that you're with you can be confident that you'll find somebody new within you know a reasonable amount of time this person that leaves you that should not mean that the rest of your life is going to be a lonely miserable hell if it is you got to fix that that person is not the solution the solution is that you fix your life so that you can attract other people and that that's something that can be done everyone can do that you can you know uh tweak some variables to to that and i'll i talk about in other videos too much to talk about it here so make sure you have abundance sexual abundance in your life if you're a girl have guys that you have that could be options if you're a guy have girls that you have that could be options all right the next point is that you must be happy by yourself so can you sit alone in a room for 30 minutes and not cry your eyes out and not be anxious and miserable and fearful and feeling lonely and desperate well if you can't then you're not happy by yourself you have to be happy by yourself start constructing an awesome life i mean that's why i shoot these videos for you guys as i tell you how to construct an awesome life i help you figure out the strategies that you need and then you have to go out there and actually do it so spend some time working on your own life have a good job have a good family situation have good friends have good health have good nutrition all the stuff that's making you happy so do that all right then the next point is that you got to work on yourself work on your own psychology not just an awesome life in here work on your own quirks on your own fears on your on your limiting beliefs on your neuroses because here's the fundamental law of relationships is that you will attract exactly who you are psychologically so you're going to attract the person that's on the same psychological level as you so that means if you have a lot of neuroses and fears and limiting beliefs and anxieties and you're angry all the time you're depressed guess who you're attracting yep you're going to attract a similar minded person or you're gonna attract a complimentary person right so maybe a depressive person will attract an angry person or vice versa or some some combination like that but either way it's gonna be a dysfunctional codependent relationship that's not what you want what you want to do is you want to say okay i want an awesome relationship that means i need to make myself as awesome as possible so that when i find somebody else that person will be on my level and then we're both going to be awesome right is that the answer analogy if you want to be starring in an awesome ballet recital you want to make yourself as awesome as possible because when you're as awesome as possible that means you're going to be allowed to dance with the best answers you don't want to be dancing with the worst answers you want to be dancing with the best so work on yourself that doesn't mean you're wrong that doesn't mean you're unlovable that doesn't mean that you can't be loved as you are right now but you should be working on yourself improve improve improve yourself all the time improve yourself every day personal development you should be doing personal development especially on your inner issues especially stuff that's really triggering you stuff that's making you very emotional you can't have a good choreography going if you're extremely emotional and you get very angry or you get very depressed or you get very fearful not going to happen it's going to lead to too many uh instabilities so many instabilities that you're not going to be able to choreograph all right the next point i'm going to make is don't spend too much time together this is one of the problems and i think one of the indicators of a co-dependent relationship a co-dependent relationship couple will spend all their time together because they're so needing each other they they feel the uh they kind of they solve each other's problems temporarily they're both each other's psychological crutches and so they lean on each other and they're always together every day every night too much and then what happens is just simply because they're together so much you know you get sick of anything and you get too much of anything even too much of the best thing you're gonna get sick of it i guarantee you whatever you love in life if i gave it to you every single minute of every single day you would get sick of it and bored of it and you would hate it you would develop resistance to it so that's the same thing with your relationship so you got to have other stuff that's your life is about right if you're a man especially you should be out there working having a life purpose your purpose should be your your main thing in life it shouldn't be your relationship if you're a woman even there a case can be made that you should also have a purpose i think you should have a purpose but for women they're more relation their purpose is more relationship oriented so more family oriented so there's there's more leeway for you there but still you want to have stuff you want to have friends you want to have hobbies don't just be all about being with your man that is going to lead to problems so you know don't be with each other every single day it's too much it's going to get nauseating you're going to get on each other's nerves it's not going to happen not going to be good even the people you love the most like your parents or your siblings if you spend a lot of time with them you're going to be at each other's throats it's healthy to take breaks apart it's healthy to have vacations apart and you know do other stuff and not see each other for a week here a week there and only see each other once a week it's that's healthy in fact that's gonna that's gonna keep some spark and some excitement in your life because if you have a long-term relationship i mean you're gonna get enough of each other anyways if you're gonna be together for the rest of your life or even like let's say just five or ten years you're gonna know everything about each other you're gonna get on each other's nerves so there's no rush to be with each other too much otherwise you're gonna you're gonna exhaust everything and then it's gonna end it's going to peter out the next thing i'm going to say is honesty and truthfulness you can't have a healthy relationship that's built on dishonesty and lies and what i encourage is if you've got any skeletons in the closet about your past stuff that's happened stuff that you've done things that you're ashamed of you got to just like throw it all out there because the real risk is not that someone's going to discover your skeleton the real risk is that they're going to discover that you've been lying about your skeleton so if you come out there right at the beginning of the relationship and you lay your skeletons out and you say you know what i've done some stupid things in my life that i'm not proud of and i've got these problems in my life i've still got some things that i'm working through here's where i'm really at i'm not going to be fake with you here's where i'm really at and you are honest about that you disclose it then you've got a foundation that something can be built on now there is a real risk that the person might see those skeletons and say well i don't like that and then run away and you know that's a risk that you run and then the relationship splits apart because you guys were not meant to be together but if what you try to do is you try to lie about yourself and project some sort of fake image make yourself out better than you are what's going to happen is that yes you might actually preserve the relationship in the short run but in the long run it's going to cause so much tension and distrust that you're going to ruin any possible chance of of success and you're probably going to create a lot of turmoil and distrust between each other animosity just like resentment it's not going to be pretty and in the end all those skeletons are going to come out you're not going to be able to hold your skeletons back i don't care maybe it'll take a year maybe two but eventually everything is going to come out it's all going to be seen you're not going to be able to hide it you're not that good you're not that clever the other person will see it so ask yourself do you really want to to lie so that you can keep it together for just a little bit or do you want to be really honest and have a chance to set up something and i find that in a relationship you know you have to you have to develop that sense of ability to be trust uh both to trust the other person and to be honest yourself and that's tough because a lot of times it's very easy to not tell the truth because a lot of times you tell the truth there's emotional problems you have to deal with the situation it's easier just to tell a white little lie kind of gloss it over and then it never comes up and then you say to yourself well i'll just deal with it if it ever comes up in the future the problem is that if that does happen and it does come up the other person's going to know that you didn't tell them and that you weren't honest that's going to break trust and that's going to that's gonna rot the foundation of everything you guys have so for me personally um when i wanna create a good relationship i i work on myself because i say that i need to be strong enough as a man to be honest even when it hurts to be honest i need to be strong enough to be honest even when i don't really don't want to even when it risks the whole relationship i still have to be honest because to me the honesty is the most important part so i try to never lie in a relationship because i know that if i do then i pretty much i have to say to myself okay i'm lying in this relationship but that pretty much means that this relationship has no real long-term potential i can lie right now but if i do like who am i kidding it's not going to work so if i really value a relationship i'll really push myself to be honest even when it's really really hard and i've done that and yeah it's hard i mean that's why people don't have successful relationships because they do the easy stuff and the easy stuff doesn't work and then the last point i'm gonna make is a relationship should be about giving and not receiving don't go into relationship trying to receive and this is another sign of codependency in a codependent relationship you want the other person you want something from them you want love you want companionship you want sex you want like you you need stuff really a nice interdependent relationship is you getting pleasure from giving you like to give you know you like to do nice things for the other person you like to make them happy you are there to share your knowledge your gift your your sex your sexuality like whatever you're you're there to share all that share your love give to the other person don't be about receiving you will receive naturally as you give and it'll fuel the relationship it'll create a lot of trust and it'll create something really awesome and synergistic if you do that all right so those are my tips for how to create healthy relationships go ahead post me your comments down below i'm very curious about what you guys think about this and how your relationships have fit into this mold please also like this and share this spread this around we want more healthy relationships in the world i think that will make a lot more people happy and i'd like you to go and check out actualize.org sign up to our newsletter there you get awesome videos every week for free that tell you how to develop yourself because when you develop yourself you're going to set yourself up for healthy relationships and if you don't then you're going to have co-dependent dysfunctional relationships so very pertinent to 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